my partner and i have binge sex

ive finally thought of a word for the awkward disconnection

we live in silence and familiar peace for about a month and a half

then we fuck like bunnies for three days

and like a broken disc

back to the disconnect.

"im just not that sexual" 

he tells me

it sets off a domino effect of thought in my mind

is that true? am i just nervous bc im upholding an unhealthy standard of men in my brain? do i even want sex that often?

do i even want sex

do i even want sex

do i even want sex

do i even like sex

do i like sex with men

sex with men

sex with men

sex

with

men 

i hate all the sex that didn't happen with men

i hate all the times men raped me

i hate all the men that raped me

i hate the responses of men when i told them i had been raped by a man

i hate rape

i try not to hate men

and i dont

i hate the unhealed trauma men gave me

i hate the violence men ignite 

i hate the empathy they neglect from themselves

and thus the world

i hate the societal standards for men

i hate the violence that lead me to hate this ranting of questions

i used to love my brain

and all the thoughts it would think

but now i wish i could sink my nails into my scalp so deep

i could twist around and pop my brain out like a nasty pimple

and simply let it decay

that is enough thought for today 

maybe that would make me sexier?