I made a series of 11 poetry videos a few years ago, probably 2022 or 2023. Never quote me on years though - I can't keep anything straight with this Dissociative CPTSD brain of mine. I remember that I used to have a great memory, a very sharp mind. With a great lack of resource and at the height of my experience of abuse at the hands of men, I actually graduated with a Master's of Science at 22 years old. I am capable of great things. So imagine what it must have taken for my body, my nervous system, to finally snap. It is funny, and heartbreaking - isolating,  experiencing the regression of your own mind while others see the same person and expect all the same things. Because of the conditions in which I was raised, it was very hard for me to transition into adulthood. I could not tell the difference between being uncomfortable and being abused. I did not know the concept of boundaries existed. I did not know creating a boundary was a choice I could make. Choosing myself felt like abandoning others. I was nine years old when my youngest sibling was born. They would call both me and my mother 'Mom' as a baby. Adults around me at the time thought it was cute. Looking at nine-year-olds now, how little and small and childish they are, I see the neglect for what it was. I see the abuse clear as day. I was never meant to be put in positions where my choosing myself caused others to feel abandoned. I was never an individual as a child. I was a caretaker, a helper, and was always of use for something. 

When I began to learn to cry for myself, I began to see all the regrettable, beautiful, and deep sadness Earth was experiencing around me. From a busy, stressful, bustling, and intense childhood of child rearing, I became very isolated very quickly. I've learned a great many truths. You can always learn if you dare to listen. The Earth is alive, multidimensional, and speaks to us through experiences and patterns. Listen to her and you will see the love she actively gives you. 

All they taught you to search for and find externally can actually only be found within. There are perfect, painful patterns of paradox all around us, put in place to pause us from liberation, to confuse us with alliteration. It is all a condition of the mind.